Let us take, for example, the tune I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus as performed by Perry Como. It starts out well enough as a cute little song about infidelity with a grizzled old elf, but at precisely 1 minute and 4 seconds into the song the whole thing turns markedly sour when the backing singers begin to chant in a schoolyard taunting sing-song voice "We know a secret. We've got a little secret. Nah-nah na nah-nah." I ask you! How does such an abomination of a ditty make it's way into an otherwise fine production? I used to sleep comfortably with the assumpion that such trite and childish musical inclusions were reserved to the Bachata music I used to hear in the Dominican Republic. Comfortable assurance has been supplanted by unease. Yes, unease. And dread.
Next I will criticize a song that perhaps several of you have heard before. If you want to express your appreciation for this song, get your own dang blog because I hate it! It is the Mannheim Steamroller recording of Deck the Halls. Can anyone guess why I would put so much effort into my dislike for this song? It is not hard to guess as the reason occurs 5 (five [that's F-I-V-E]) times therein. In preparing this blog entry I had to listen to the
Sasha, stop reading now. Last on the list of abominable Christmas songs is a little booger that squeezed its way out of the infernal depths of hell: Harry Connick Jr's recording of Frosty the Snowman. Hang on one moment, please. Well, I just listened to it again and decided that it isn't evil so I'll let it pass. Sasha, you can start reading again. In fact, never mind about me telling you to stop reading up there. You can go ahead and read this. I do not sympathize with the "Thumpitty thump thump" shout which occurs multiple times in this recording and the jazziness lends a great amount of no-thank-you-ness to the whole thing, but as I wrote earlier, it is not virulently evil and therefore not a contender for inclusion in this blog post. In fact, I'm just going to remove this paragraph entirely.
Ok, now it is Sherri's turn to stop reading. Stop reading now, please, Sherri. Seriously, I am not going to change my mind on this song like I sorta did on the Harry Connick Jr. one. So STOP. Everyone else, I'm not talking to you. Continue reading as though Sherri were nowhere around. If she insists on reading through this portion of the blog, ignore her! On we go. There is a song called "Mele Kalikimaka" which was made famous by the unmitigated Bing Crosby. Bing, I really enjoy a lot of your Christmas songs and your cherries are delightful. But this piece of sewage pushes my buttons. If you couldn't tell by the title of the song itself, the entirety of the song is based on a mispronunciation of the greeting "Merry Christmas". It doesn't help anyone that I have an abiding distaste for polynesian music of any sort due to my step-father foisting it upon us whenever we traveled along the grooved shoulder of the highway (you know, the grooves that are supposed to alert the driver to the fact that he is driving on them (the grooves) and not the freeway lane that he thinks he is driving on) for hundreds of miles on any given road-trip.
Ok, Sherri, you can start reading again, but if you start to misbehave, I'm cutting you out again. There you have it, folks. My sentiments, exactly. I hope you are never forced to choose between listening to one of these songs and something grody and terrible. It would be a tough decision. But if you are a masochist or feel that your "very poor Christmas music" tolerance is higher than mine, I have made these songs available on my FTP site under the "Jukebox\Christmas\painful" folder. If you do not have an FTP account, one can be yours for the low low price of $99.99.99 - Contact me for details.
I vote that this is Joel's funniest post yet. And I don't like most of Harry Connick Jrs Christmas music anyway. Its overplayed on the radio.
ReplyDeleteI have to chime in and say how MUCH I miss the vacations that we used to take as a family when I was growing up. The squishing of heads, the nausea, the overwhelming heat in the back seats, the polynesian music, the constant reminders to "SHUT UP!".
Ah, good times.
You may add the terrible rendition of Little Town of Bethlehem by a country artist that I do not know and have no care to know. I understand that it was a country town and actually a stable but I doubt that even they would be upset about the TWANG lingering in this one.
ReplyDelete2 songs that need to be punched in the crotch by otherwise talented artists:
ReplyDeletePaul McArtney's Wonderful Christmas Time
Harry Connick's When My Heart Finds Christmas
When My Fist Finds Connick, more like.
YEP!! However I love the Polly one. And the absolute worst Christmas album that will make crotch punching seem enjoyable is that of William Hungs(American Idol REJECT), why they play I do not know, other then to make me coo-coo for cocoa puffs!! Enough complaining though I absolutely-totally-completely-definently-for sure-no doubtedly lovey this time o year!!!!O and Joel the hat makes ur hotness more so.
ReplyDeleteSorry- forgot about the "Christmas Shoes" song. Suppose to be touch feely but the only touchy I feel goes right along with the punching that Paul so enjoys. Make me listen to that song or shoot me right now...Here I have a gun handy...
ReplyDeleteI SOOOO agree with you on those items. Especially "Mele Kalikimaka" which is the first song Paul pulled out to play whilst decorating the tree. HATE THAT SONG. I haven't listened to enough yet to list my other hatreds, but I am looking forward to listing many more, here on Joel's wondrous new post. Good job Joel!! I'm very happy you're back.
ReplyDeleteeatik is the word i have to type
P.S. I HEART YOUR PICTURE.
ReplyDeletey'all a bunch o freekin ebeneezers, Nan I cry every time iI hear that, feel the love....for crying out loud!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI've never hard the Christmas Shoes song, but it sounds extremely gay.
ReplyDeleteMandi's mistaken. I don't even HAVE Mele Kumeekawonka, and I wouldnt play it if I did. The first tree-decorating song was Christmas Island, and has no foreign words, but it's island-based, so that's why she's confused.
RREAAAALLLLLYYYYY???!!
ReplyDeleteOk, Agree, Disagree, Agree and Don't really care. Oh, and Christmas Shoes is THE worst song ever! It's so sappy, boo, yuck, blah!
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, your hat sucks.
ReplyDelete