True Story

Hello, I'm Joel. I have a shirt which features my favorite cartoon fellow: Homestar Runner.

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One day I decided to sell my hair. So I got it all gussied up and took a picture of me in it.

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Then I turned into this kitten which I named Sharky Malarky. This was not my day!

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I eventually turned back into me. Things were looking up. Then several small children invaded my home. I explained to them about the fine line between reading and dreading but, as children often do, they assumed I was making stuff up. The smirks on these children's faces were just waiting to be wiped off and with prejudice. I lined them up and badgered them (No photo available).

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That's when I got lost in the spooky woods. Why do these things always happen to me?

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A crow fluttered down into the roadside pile of corn. I swear he wanted me to punch him in the beak cause he would not shut up! And he flapped those wings until I wanted to cram them down his maw. Which I did. It was time for a break! How much longer would I have to put up with this Hobbledy-gobbledy? Not much, it turns out.

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I was sent to prison for my unkindness toward the crow. But they didn't give me a cell. They just left me in the prison yard overlooking The Strip. I know this sounds fishy.

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Then they gave me some Whoppers.

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I escaped unscathed and triumphant. No one can keep me down.

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Then I turned into this bunny which I named Eliza Maniza. Rats.

Pancakes (Episode 1)

Cowboys

Here is a classic episode from times of yore. It is a recording that Gordon and I made in an attempt to quantify our idea of what a cowboy is and does. Please enjoy the digital availability of this recording

Nanette is Randy

Nanette and Myself

After returning home from the magical Idaho reunion, I went down to my basement to look for some tapes or other remnants of packages sent to me by my Ida-hoes. I found lots of letters, but no tapes. It seems to me that Paul and I sent them significantly more packages than they sent to us. But there were four of them and only 2 of us, so they probably remember it differently.

Proof

I did find numerous letters which were generally filled with pleas for more letters. Several letters in a row from Nanette were noteworthy in that she temporarily changed her name to Randy. She offered no reason or explanation for this change of name. It simply was. Nanette was fond of sending me artwork and

School: Douglas!

I was fond of receiving it. In some of the artwork, she labels drawings of herself as Randy. In the picture above you will see "Randy" playing football with Gordon. Was there really someone named Mona who had a red jeep? Why does that sound so entirely unfamiliar, Randy? I am in love with the sharks hiding behind the trees, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting picnickers. In addition to these outstanding memories, I found an envelope which had numerous drawings in pencil on the back. One of those was particularly entertaining to me. Nanette! err.. Randy! What the heck goes on in that noggin of yours?

I am a father

My children adore me. This is evidenced by the mounds of candy they gave me on Sunday for Father's Day. I think the source of their love and adoration of me is this:

After returning from the Priesthood session of General Conference in April, I told my children that President Hinckley had revealed the 14th Article of Faith which states "Fathers are always right."

At first they did not believe me, but at my insistence and with President Hinckley's words to back me up they eventually came to realize.

I am constantly giving my kids reasons to appreciate me: I help them come up with good names for their stuffed animals like "Xena, Warrior Princess - Temptress of the Nile"; I invite them to accompany me to the top of the nearby mountain to slay the dragon and make dragon steaks whenever we are faced with the decision of finding something to do; I make pancakes for them on Sunday mornings.